Learning to Be Okay With Where You Are Now
It is no coincidence that the new year comes with a sense of pressure to improve yourself, shed any perceived bad habits, and turn over a new leaf. Our western culture is steeped in the values of capitalism, where the main means of production, unfortunately, is the human body. We learn to treat ourselves like machines, using words like optimize, maximize, and streamline in reference to how we live our daily lives. It can even feel like if you are not participating in this persistent and intense “self-growth” you are somehow failing. The idea that contentedness, or satisfaction with yourself and where you are at could be enough seems like it has become tied to a sense of moral failure.
When working with folks, this often shows up as a sense of feeling behind in life. People describe all the ways they perceive they have failed in comparison to what they believe cultural norms have dictated about what it looks like to be successful. Here is a wild thought, what if the start of real growth is actually accepting yourself truly, right where you are, with kindness, compassion, and genuine love. This is part of what we call Radical Acceptance.
The "Hustle Culture" Trap of the New Year
The new year is a particularly difficult time, because capitalism thrives on our insecurity. Everywhere you turn, there is something being sold to you that promises a ‘new you’ in a few easy steps. Social media is an environment that has capitalized on this. It is impossible to do all of the things we are told we should be a healthy, successful human while still maintaining a sense of connection, community, or rest in our lives without significant financial resources to outsource the time consuming and mundane tasks of daily living. The work of caring for ourselves and each other is dismissed as easy, undervalued, and often unseen. This makes it easy to feel like you’ve missed something when you find yourself struggling to maintain a full time job, cook healthy and nutritious meals, maintain a fitness and exercise routine, a full social calendar, and keep your home tidy and your laundry fresh. Most of us are trying to balance on a knife’s edge, and the tiniest wobble sends our routine into chaos. Social media shows image after image of folks who are paid to make it look like they have it all together in order to sell you the latest efficiency hack or gimmick, all while increasing the shame you feel about the disorganization of your own life. Let’s be real, we live in a world right now where it is hard to be a human and process all the feelings you’re having about what you’re seeing while also taking care of yourself, and showing up in alignment with your values. It is ok to be tired. The last thing we need is another to-do list. Instead, try making a list of all the ways you showed up in the last month to give yourself something to be proud of.
What is Radical Acceptance?
Radical Acceptance refers to a way of accepting life as it is, and focusing on what you have control of, mainly how you treat yourself. This way of thinking can help us move away from a sense of hopelessness or defeat, reducing the stress we feel and improving our quality of life in the present moment. Radical acceptance is not giving up, or letting go of goals or dreams, but instead it forces us to be honest with ourselves, and acknowledge the circumstances we are in that are beyond our control.
For example, while the Covid-19 pandemic impacts are still being felt, many folks expect themselves to have been able to meet all the expectations they had of life as if that huge global event hadn’t occurred or had a significant impact on them. By not acknowledging the very real financial, social, and even physical setbacks that many of us experienced as a result of the pandemic, it is easier to believe the narrative that we have “fallen behind” where we should be through some sort of personal failure. Forcing yourself to see the parts of your experience that you lived through, but could not have impacted, or didn’t have the capacity to change at the time allows more space for kindness. Then you are also more clearly able to see what you have accomplished, even though it may look different from your original goals.
Finding Satisfaction in the "Now"
Part of finding satisfaction in the ‘Now’ involves being able to recognize when you are and are not present in the now. What my partner affectionately calls “The Art of Now-ing” includes being able to be where you are and notice the experience you’re having with your full senses. When we are living in our heads, we miss so much of the intricacy going on in the world around us. The chance to make a connection with someone else, the beauty of nature, how the air smells, paying attention to the way our body feels, and how we experience the world are all part of the Now. Even being able to notice what we do and don’t like requires presence. This is a skill in itself, and one as a culture we aren’t great at. Personally, I think this is part of what keeps us so focused on the idea of change and goals. By fixating on an elusive future where the problems that plague us now are solved we stay focused on something that has not yet happened and miss the beauty of what is. Exercises like tapping into what we are getting from our senses, breathwork, and spending intentional time outdoors off our phones are all things that can contribute to us having more gratitude in the now. What I am not saying is to feel pressure to force fake enthusiasm, or turn gratitude into something to check off on a to do list, rather just to practice noticing. There are moments of beauty happening all around us.
Building a Relationship with Yourself, Not a To-Do List
Instead of focusing on checking accomplishments off on a to-do list, focus on getting to know yourself better. Learn what you like and find enjoyable in the life you’re already living. See what you gravitate towards, and what makes you feel excitement. Notice things like textures, smells, sounds, which tickle your fancy? There is always more to know about ourselves, as we are not a static fixed being, but constantly evolving. Even from moment to moment our preferences can change. Be curious about who you are and how you’re taking up space in the world. This can help you learn ways to truly show yourself kindness.
Let Us Help You
If you’re struggling to carve your path with all the messaging we get pressuring us to make our lives look a certain way, here’s a place where therapy can be a really practical support. Part of what our culture can’t accommodate in the hustle vibe set by capitalism is that we are all unique, and going to find fulfillment in our lives in different ways. In order to know what the right choices are for you, you have to be connected to your core self, and feel when you are in and out of alignment with your values. If we have grown up in environments that stifle our uniqueness, staying connected to our core self can take practice, and is often something we need support in. A good therapist will want to support you in finding out what the right path is for you, instead of trying to help you feel ok with fitting yourself into the path society has told you that you should take.
At the Commons Wellness Collective we would love to help you get to know yourself better and support you in discovering what the right, most aligned choices could look like for you.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does accepting myself mean I’ll never change for the better?
Not at all. Try seeing acceptance as part of change for the better. Sustainable growth feels different when we stop bullying and shaming ourselves. There is more space to try new things, take risks, or go through the discomfort of learning something new when we are able to be more accepting of where we are in the moment with kindness. This can actually make change feel less scary and daunting. Often the pressure we put on ourselves increases the stakes and can actually make it feel harder to change.
How do I stop the "New Year, New Me" pressure?
What I find helpful is being part of a like-minded community. If you’re surrounded by people who are embodying hustle culture it is hard to feel like you’re the only one moving in a different direction. Limiting social media, and trying to be more focused on what is happening in your daily life can also help. Be realistic with yourself, if you are going to set goals, make them things that you feel like you’ll actually enjoy and want to complete. Our lives are busy enough, the last thing we need is another thing we feel bad for not doing.
Is it okay to not have any goals for the New Year?
Absolutely! If it still feels important to you to have goals, or be able to keep track of something that feels meaningful to you to work, have it set up either as a short-term project, or something more long term. For example, have a goal of learning to make pottery, or working on feeling more connected to nature. One of my current goals is to go for walks more often than not. This is just an ongoing process that helps me get out of the house on sunny days, take better care of myself, and feel more grounded, but it is still framed gently, and leaves space for the days where I just don’t have time or capacity to get outside.
How does a therapist help with self-acceptance?
Therapists are great at helping you remember how far you have come, not just what you still want to master. We are great at focusing on the things that aren’t going well, and having someone else along for the journey, who knows you and can remind you of how hard you’ve been working, and all of the positive moments you showed up well for yourself and others can help you move towards acceptance. We are all a work in progress, and there is no ‘ideal’ human status we can reach where suddenly we can stop growing. Being able to see where you have come from is just as important as focusing on where you want to go.
What should I do when I feel like I'm "falling behind" everyone else?
Who is everyone else? Sometimes it helps to just check and see if that is even true, because a lot of the time it is just the message we get or what is projected through media or social channels, and not really representative of what we know about our friends and families lives. It’s also important to acknowledge that some folks have more help than others, or start out with a different level of advantage. Instead of comparing yourself to someone else, compare yourself to who you used to be, do you see change in yourself? Have you grown? Are you doing the best you can? Asking these sorts of questions can help you shift perspective away from comparing your average to someone else’s perfectly curated highlights.
