Self-Blame and Shame After Sexualized Violence
It can be hard for us to accept that we don’t have as much control over what happens in our lives as we want to. Feeling in control can help us feel safer, and provide explanations for how to avoid painful or harmful experiences in the future. This is part of why self-blame is so common after experiencing sexualized violence. It can be terrifying to come to terms with the reality that what happened to you was not something you could have prevented, because then how can you keep yourself safe moving forward? In addition to this, we live in a world that still perpetuates blame by asking questions like ‘why were you there by yourself?’, ‘why were you out so late?’, ‘why were you drinking?’. Sexualized violence is not the fault of the survivor. Ever.
The truth is we live in a world that is impacted by systemic oppression and these forces affect all of us. They impact who has power and who is seen as valuable, as well as who is vulnerable. In Canada, 30% of women have been sexually assaulted at least once since the age of 15…that we know of. That statistic is from 2019. Other factors can increase the likelihood that you have experienced sexualized violence including your age as younger women experience more violence, your racial identity as Indigenous women experience more violence, as well as your gender identity, and if you are able-bodied or not.
While feelings of shame and self-blame following a sexually violent traumatic event are common, they are not a reflection of the truth. Know you are not alone in your response. Learning to understand that our body is designed to respond under threat in ways that prioritize our survival and are not something we have control over can go a long way to undoing the myths that you had control over what happened to you or could have prevented it in some way. For folks who are part of the queer and trans community, finding support can be even more difficult as many services are directed towards and created for cis-gender, heterosexual women. Some might even feel tension between wanting to protect their community and name and honour their own pain, and these experiences deserve to be held with much care and attention. Not knowing where or how to find a supportive and safe enough space can add to the isolation and shame that folks can experience.
Understanding the Root of Self-Blame
Many folks report that they struggle with self-blame after an experience of sexualized violence. This can be part of how our brain tries to cope with the fear that comes up around not feeling control or sensing a loss of power in a situation. The self-blame narrative is not helped by the fact that much of the reporting and discussion we still see and hear around sexualized violence in our culture uses language that directs some responsibility for their experience to the survivor. The idea that what happened to you is out of your control can be terrifying, and it makes sense that our brain would try to find ways to convince us that we can protect ourselves from being in a similar situation again.
The danger of this line of thinking is that it serves to increase a sense of shame, and directs the anger we might feel towards ourselves instead of where it belongs, on the individual who harmed us and towards the systems that enable them. Part of what helps us move away from a self-blaming narrative is finding safe enough places to share our experience and hearing the validation from others that what we went through was not our fault. It is common to need to hear this message often for it to really and truly be internalized, so if you are finding yourself struggling with self-blame, you are not alone.
The Weight of Shame vs. Guilt
It is important to understand that shame and guilt are different experiences. Guilt relates to behaviour, shame connects more to our sense of self. For example, I might say I feel guilty about lying because that is out of alignment with my values, vs saying I am a bad person because I lied and now I am ashamed of myself. Shame causes us to shrink and isolate ourselves from our community. The sense that we are bad impacts our confidence and self worth and affects how we interact with the world and others. When we feel guilt, we can explore whether or not the guilt is valid by checking in to see if we did behave in ways we are not proud of, and if that is the case, we can make amends.
When it comes to sexualized violence, folks often feel guilt connected to their experiences because of how sexualized violence is framed in the media and broader culture. Sex can be seen as something dirty or taboo that is meant to be kept hidden, and there can be a sense that if you have been violated in these ways it affects your worth. We live in a patriarchal society that specifically values women based on their perceived purity, and in patriarchal constructs men feel entitled to access women’s bodies. This puts the burden of ‘staying pure’ on women, and can contribute to feeling like you have failed if you have experienced sexualized violence. This can lead to profound shame. Finding safe enough places to talk about your experience, so that you feel less alone, and can hear from trusted others that what happened to you was not your fault, can go a long way in undoing shame and guilt.
Steps Toward Self-Compassion and Healing
Being able to approach yourself and your experience from a place of self-compassion can be an important part of healing. Understanding the systemic contexts that surround sexualized violence and the truth about consent can help shift blame off yourself and in the direction it belongs. The process of healing takes time and patience. I have often heard frustration from folks who feel like they should be ‘over it’, and want to live in a way where they are no longer impacted by what they have been through. I can so appreciate that frustration, as there is something inherently unfair about living through sexualized violence and then having to navigate the burden of healing from an experience that was unwanted, and outside of your control. Often events like this can lead to a sense of feeling less safe in the world, the loss of relationships, or a change in how you view yourself or others, along with other complexities, and making space for these losses is part of what requires so much patience. While we cannot go back to the version of ourselves we were before we lived through these experiences, we can grieve, and we can get to know the version of ourselves we are today. This is an important part of the healing process.
FAQs
Why do I feel like it was my fault, even when I know logically it wasn’t?
Language can contribute to our experience of violence in ways we may not even be aware of. How sexualized violence is discussed in culture, or media, often implies that the survivor was in some way a participant in their experiences. Questions like: what were they wearing, or why were you there alone, send the message that you made choices that hold you partly responsible for what happened. This can make it really difficult to fully feel that what you went through was not your fault, and is part of what makes sexualized violence so damaging.
I didn’t fight back or say "no" out loud—does that mean I am responsible?
Absolutely not! When experiencing a violent threat, our body has an automatic fight, flight or freeze response and uses whatever will be the most likely to allow us to survive an attack. We are not able to choose how we respond at that moment. As human beings we have a right to safety and dignity, including bodily autonomy. You are never responsible for someone else initiating violent actions against you or anyone else. There can be confusion that occurs as our bodies' automatic responses to sexual contact can kick in, leading folks to ask even though I said no, I did feel some arousal, was this actually something I wanted? This is a complicated part of the experience of sexualized violence and in some ways it can almost feel like a betrayal from your body. Sometimes arousal can even be part of how our body responds to stress. Your ‘No’ matters, and deserves to be heard. Working with a trauma informed therapist can help you untangle the ways your body responded that might feel confusing.
Is it normal to feel shame even years after the event happened?
For many folks, it takes time to process all of the feelings that can come up after these experiences. Often the immediate response is shock, or maybe even dissociation. We have to feel safer in our bodies to connect to our full emotional experience and that can take time to return after a traumatic event. I find it helpful to see the emotions or shame that can still be present as something that lets us know that more healing is needed, and that we are in a space now where at least some part of us feels safe enough to attend to what is going on.
Why is it easier to blame myself than to blame the person who harmed me?
Sexualized violence often occurs in contexts with folks we already know and have relationships with. This means that to disclose your experience will impact your family or broader community, and can be the source of conflict and distress for others. This is understandably uncomfortable, and can help us understand why in the moment it may seem easier to blame ourselves, as that can allow the ecosystem the violence occurred in to be maintained.
Can talking about these feelings in therapy make them worse?
Sometimes. Talking about these feelings can connect to having a bigger experience of them. Working with a therapist who has training to support folks healing from trauma can protect you from reliving the event, and instead help you to process the emotions that might not have been available to you to feel at the time, like anger, rage, grief, or fear. Depending on how our body responds to the trauma, to survive the attack, it is not uncommon for us to be disconnected from our emotions. That means that to process them we need support to access and release them after the fact. That can be an intense and uncomfortable experience, but can also bring a lot of relief and healing. You get to choose when you feel ready to tackle this, and a trauma-informed therapist will center your agency and choice over how, and to what extent, you approach your emotions in your session.
What can I do in the moments when the feeling of shame becomes overwhelming?
These moments can be so difficult. When the harm we experience is done towards our body, and our body is the home we live in every day, it is easy to see how the emotions connected to what we have been through can become overwhelming. More regular therapy can be useful during these periods of time to help us regain a sense of stability and safety within ourselves as we process. Connecting to any activities that allow a sense of comfort or ease in your body, if those are available can also help, this can look like a movement practice, somatic exercises, even a nature walk, anything can can help your body feel more grounded in the moment.
How We Can Help
If you have experienced sexualized violence and are looking for a trauma-informed space to process and heal, we would be honoured to support you. We understand the complexity of emotions that can surface and would prioritize moving at your pace, in a way where you feel like you have control over the process, and are able to consent fully. We offer a space where your ‘No’ is centered, honoured, and taken seriously. We will create a refuge and stand with you in your rage against systems of injustice that perpetuate gender-based violence, and work with you to undo any feelings of shame and guilt you may carry. If you are curious about working with one of us, we would love to chat with you and answer your questions. You’re welcome to reach out anytime!