Navigating differences of opinion or belief within your family of origin can be challenging under any circumstances, but especially so when it involves religion. Religious beliefs often impact our broader lifestyle, values, and where we find a sense of community. As we shift away from our religion, our relationships are impacted in a variety of ways. This can bring up a lot of emotion, including grief, and is a complicated experience. There is no right or perfect way to navigate this. For some folks, staying connected to your family and religious community can feel really important, for others, it can become necessary to take some space, or implement some boundaries.
Part of what makes this process difficult is that one of the byproducts of religious trauma is a disconnect from our felt experience, our own bodies, and our inner knowing and sense of wisdom. As we start to reconnect with ourselves, we need to build trust in our capacity to figure out how close is ok for us in these relationships, and we may all land in different places. It can be very painful to know that your family members do not understand you, or to experience the pain that can come with feeling judged or excluded. Healthy relationships are able to make space for difference in a way that does not threaten connection or belonging.
When Your Beliefs Change but Your Relationships Don't
As our religious beliefs shift, we may naturally find the communities we find a sense of safety and belonging in shift as well. What can be challenging here is that we do not have a choice around who is part of our family of origin. Often, religious institutions work to uphold systems of power and oppression by expecting alignment with patriarchal, heteronormative, white supremacist, and capitalist ways of being. Once we see these things, it can be hard to unsee them, and it can make participating in a religious space feel unsettling or unsafe. Having family members and loved ones who still adhere to these values, or actively try to impose them on us, can be a painful and disorienting experience.
Our religious communities often come with prescribed roles we have learned to fill from a young age. We know from family systems theories that when one person in the system shifts it causes a ripple effect that impacts everyone. We also know that humans are often adverse to change, especially when it was not actively chosen by them. By shifting away from our religious beliefs, we are imposing change on our family system, whether it is ready for it or not. By refusing to continue to adhere to the roles we were assigned, we cause a ripple effect that impacts everyone else's roles and creates discomfort. Seeing the systemic impact can help us to understand that part of the emotional reaction we are witnessing is due to the discomfort of change.
There is also often a generational impact. For example, I was raised with the religious beliefs my parents were raised with. The gender norms and constructs that were imposed on me and I grew up believing were normal were also imposed on them. This can also be disguised as adhering to, or protecting a cultural value system. While this is not an excuse in any way for promoting a system of beliefs that seek to infringe on others dignity and rights, it can help us understand why trying to have conversations about choosing something other than the religious systems we were raised with can feel so fraught. For some people, different ideas, or unfamiliar ways of engaging with life and the world can be received as threatening. Sharing how we have been impacted can be heard as criticism causing family members to respond defensively, raising the emotional temperature making it hard to feel heard.
If you are finding these conversations challenging, know you are not alone. If your family is open to it, finding someone to support you in facilitating these discussions can help you feel like you have an ally, and create freedom to communicate your experience without also having to manage others' reactions or regulate emotions other than your own. It is important to remember that we cannot make others change and are not responsible to. We can only take ownership over our own change and growth.
Fear of Rejection and Losing Relationships
It is common to have folks report that they are afraid of losing relationships, being excluded from their community, or isolated from their family. It is important to take these fears seriously. Many folks need to step back from their family of origin, and some folks never feel the same closeness with their family that they did while everyone had a shared belief system. Grieving the loss or change of these relationships is a necessary part of the process.
As a result, it can make specific seasons of the year or events sources of stress. For example, family holidays, or events that would have previously felt celebratory like weddings, can become a big source of anxiety, or result in conflict. This can have a huge impact. For example, for some folks, through the process of deconstructing their religious experiences might realize that parts of their identity have been suppressed. Getting to know these parts of ourselves can be really vulnerable, and we may want some distance during that season to develop a sturdier sense of ourselves. That distance can mean that former traditions around holidays like Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Easter, are not accessible in the same way, and this can cause loneliness and grief. It is important to be gentle with ourselves during these seasons and recognize that some of the tension we are holding or the feelings we are experiencing could be related to these shifts. It takes time to find and feel connected to new or different traditions, or reclaim the ones we want to hold onto while engaging with them in a different way. Finding some community to journey with through this time can be really supportive. Loneliness over the holidays can be challenging, and often folks feel tension between values of safety and a desire to be treated with dignity, and wanting to feel a sense of belonging and closeness with others. It is not always possible to achieve all of these and seeing how they are in tension can help us make sense of how we are feeling.
Setting Boundaries
When setting boundaries with family members, it is important to remember that boundaries are about our own behaviour. We can make requests of our family members, and should. Everyone has a right to have their needs for dignity and safety accommodated; however, we don’t have control over whether or not those requests are honoured.
I have an example from my own life that helps illustrate this. I have very different views from one of my parents when it comes to our beliefs and opinions about gender, sexuality, racial identity, and many other topics. I don’t have control over my parents opinion or beliefs, what I can control is the conversations I am willing to participate in and how I communicate my own opinion. My parent is not willing to have a back and forth discussion where I share my views, again, something I am not able to control. I have requested that if they are not open to hearing my perspective, then they refrain from making what I hear as discriminatory comments about these topics in front of me. I feel that when confronted with what lands as a discriminatory or false statement, to be in alignment with my own values, and to protect and honour my own identity, I will push back. I have also shared that if my parent continues to make those comments in front of me I will not be able to continue to spend time with them. I can’t control their behaviour or choices, but I can make sure that I am communicating in alignment with my own values, and leaving or disengaging from conversations and spaces where I do not feel that my values or identity are being treated with respect.
These topics and experiences can be very challenging to navigate. Regardless of which way you slice it, my parents' ongoing behaviour results in a lack of closeness in our relationship. If I don’t uphold my boundaries and stay close to them in a relationship, then parts of myself are going to stay suppressed and feel unwelcome resulting in emotional distance. It is also painful for me to behave in ways that are out of alignment with my value of justice and belief in the right of all humans to be treated with respect and dignity regardless of their identity. If I maintain my boundary, then I am going to continue to experience physical distance and emotional distance in other ways. Having a realistic view of what is within my control helps me to grieve the reality that at this moment in time a close relationship is not possible in the way I would like. While the second option is still painful, it feels better for me because I am honouring and making space for my whole self to exist, which is the part of the equation that is something I can impact.
Setting a boundary doesn’t automatically mean things are going to get better, it is more about protecting my peace. My parent may never change, and whether or not they do is not something I have control over. Recognizing this has helped me have more realistic expectations, which helps me feel more grounded.
Navigating Relationships After Religious Changes
There are many different ways that folks can relate to each other when there are differences in beliefs related to religion. Some folks react to differences with curiosity and openness, while others react with fear and everything in between. Being able to track our own somatic responses when confronted with a different belief or way of living can help us learn to stay more regulated and grounded, making it more possible to have healthy, open dialogue even when we don’t agree. This is something therapy can help with. If you notice yourself responding to differences with fear, or if it feels threatening in your body, working with someone in a more somatic way can help you to notice those responses without becoming closed off or disconnected. Our family members can also do the work to learn how to make space to hold differences in a new way.
Not everyone is able to accomplish this, resulting in the reality that some relationships will need to change. It is important to make space to process all of the emotions you may be feeling as you move through this journey.
FAQs
How do I deal with family members who don't accept that I've left religion?
This is such a big question and really needs to be dealt with on a case by case basis. Each family member is going to respond differently, and with some of them you may be able to find a respectful way of communicating that makes an ongoing relationship possible, with others you may not get there. In these cases, setting a boundary that feels aligned with your values will be important. Therapy can really help with boundary setting, as when folks first start to do this, they often report feeling guilty, or like they are causing harm, when in reality they are only trying to protect themselves.
What if my family keeps trying to convince me to return to religion?
This may happen, and you probably already have a sense of which of your family members might pressure you or be persistent even when you have tried to set a boundary. It is helpful to be direct and honest. Telling your family member that if they continue to try to convince you to return, you will not want to spend as much time with them (if this is true) gives them a chance to understand and recognize the impact their behaviour is having, and then the chance to choose to move forward in a different way. If nothing changes, then you’d have to be prepared to stick with your boundary and actually spend less time with them, so it is important to think through whether or not you’d feel ready to do that. In many high control religions, the family's status is dependent on how devout all of the family members are. In order to maintain their own belonging in that group, they may feel obligated to continue to pressure you. Over time, if staying connected to your family feels like a priority then there may be a space you reach where this pressure feels less impactful, but it is important to be patient with yourself.
Can religious differences damage family relationships?
Sometimes they can. Some family cultures welcome religious differences and others see them as disrespectful or threatening. In this case I would say it is not the difference that is damaging the relationship but the rigid thinking that some folks hold which does not allow them to consider a way forward that is not identical to their own views. You will likely encounter this rigid way of thinking with other differences as well, not just religious ones. Seeing this matters, because if you are the one shifting out of the religious system, there are contexts where it can feel like the fallout that occurs is your fault. In reality, difference is to be expected, and a natural part of exploring the world and our environment is that we will draw diverse conclusions from our experiences. It’s not the differences themselves that cause the damage but more the way folks respond to them.
Can counselling help with religious conflict?
Definitely. It can be really helpful to have a space to talk through and process your emotions with someone who is not part of the religious system you are moving away from. If you are looking for counselling for religious trauma, or navigating the family conflict that comes from religious difference, finding someone who has lived through this and has a personal understanding of how this can feel can really help you feel seen and understood in your experience.
Find Support for Your Journey Through Religious Transition
Counselling is a space that can hold all of the messiness of life, including aspects of your evolving identity when it comes to religion or your spiritual practice. Having someone to talk your feelings through with, while also processing the ways your family relationships, community relationships, or sense of belonging may be shifting is important. There are also a lot of resources available, like podcasts, or books, where folks share their own experiences that can help you feel less alone in what you’re going through that we can support you in accessing. Navigating the impacts of religious trauma is an important part of reclaiming our sense of self and identity that is often accompanied by emotions like grief, anger, and a sense of feeling disoriented. We learn to relate to and make sense of the world in a different way than the one that was offered through our former religious system. Our counsellors would be honoured to walk with you along your journey.
