Blog Post: Reclaiming and Rebuilding Intimacy After Sexual Assault
Having a traumatic experience like a sexual assault can impact how we relate to our body. Our body is the site of the traumatic event, and we are not able to physically escape it, so oftentimes to cope, our mind and body will become disconnected, and we will feel less present in our experiences as a result. Learning how to be present in our bodies again is more about rebuilding a safe enough foundation in ourselves, and less about ‘going back to the way things used to be’. This process requires patience, and can feel daunting, but don’t lose hope, it is possible to experience emotional and physical closeness again, even after a traumatic event like a sexual assault.
The Body’s Memory and the Trauma Response
Our bodies respond in all sorts of ways to try to keep us safe and that can include a ‘freeze response’. Folks who have experienced sexual violence can report feeling out of their body, having sensations like floating, memory gaps, feeling like they are watching the experience from above and not in it, or even a total shut down. These reactions are things we don’t have control over at that moment, and are our bodies' way of trying to make sure we survive the assault. We know our brains are wired for survival!
Following an assault, being in environments or having experiences that include similarities to the assault can bring those responses to the surface again, even with someone we feel safe with. For this reason, it is really important to have ongoing communication with our partners and move slowly.
We may also experience what is called arousal nonconcordance, where we feel both a yes response and a no response at the same time, and this can feel really confusing. It is important to remember that research shows that arousal is about being in a sexually relevant context, and not necessarily about whether we are experiencing desire. Making space to pause, check in, and confirm with ourselves that we want to move forward with any experience, is an important part of rebuilding safety and trust in ourselves and our bodies. Remember that someone who truly loves you and wants you to thrive, will support you being intimate in ways that feel good to you and that you consent to, and won’t rush you! Our brains and bodies are adapting to our environments, and our responses can change over time. Even if you have triggers after a traumatic event, you can, with support, learn to understand and even heal them.
The Path of Re-connection
Reconnecting to your body following a sexual assault can require patience. Thinking about sensuality as something that exists all the time, not just in the bedroom or during a sexual encounter can help. Start by connecting with smells, textures, and other things that feel good to your body. Buy a new body wash or soap and let yourself have some experiences being present that feel comfortable and safe enough, before bringing someone else into that experience. Use clothing, scents, and accessories to express yourself sensually and make space for that part of yourself to exist outside of a relational context. When it comes to re-connecting in a partnered context, a tool like a Sensate Focus exercise, can be a great way to slowly move towards intimacy. These activities start with non sexual touch, and can be a great way to practice communicating about what you like, don’t like, want more or less of, in a way that can feel less intimidating. You can also reconnect with your sexual self by exploring self-pleasuring, different toys, or erotic materials to widen your imagination. Solo experiences can offer a safer space to reconnect with your desires and sexuality in a way where you have complete control over the experience and get a chance to suss out what your limits are for yourself.
Communication and Setting Boundaries
Communicating is an important part of how we rebuild trust, and openness to new intimate experiences following an assault. It is a good idea to talk openly about what is on the table before having an encounter so that the guidelines and boundaries are clear. Having these conversations in advance, can remove pressure to say yes in the moment for fear of inducing shame, or feelings of rejection. Checking in during intimacy to make sure things still feel ok is also important, and it is always ok to slow down, stop, or change your mind. A big part of rebuilding trust comes from feeling safe to express a No, and feeling like your boundaries are being respected. Asking your partner to stop if they notice it seems like you are no longer present or connected to them can help ensure that things don’t move past your comfort zone, or cause you to have an experience where you are shut down. You can use a tool like a sexual inventory or boundary list with a partner to support and guide your conversation.
FAQs
How do I explain my triggers to a new or existing partner?
These conversations can feel really challenging. It can be helpful to practice with a trusted friend or therapist beforehand. Having a conversation about your past, or your triggers in a neutral environment, where intimacy is not on the table, can make it easier to stay regulated. If talking about these out loud feels challenging, sharing an article or writing down your needs might make it easier to make sure everything that feels important to you gets shared. Making a habit to talk about likes/dislikes and sexual preferences with any new partner, regardless of whether or not you’ve experienced a traumatic sexual event can help make these conversations feel more comfortable and familiar. Having sex you want to be having is important!
Is it possible to enjoy physical intimacy again after what I’ve been through?
It absolutely is, be patient with yourself. Pressuring yourself to be intimate before you’re ready can actually reinforce your body’s shut down response. It’s important to take your time and be gentle with yourself. Working with someone who is trained to support survivors of sexual violence can help to normalize your experience and also validate what you’ve been through, while providing you with support as you slowly reconnect with your body.
What should I do if I have a flashback during an intimate moment?
Ask your partner to stop if you’re able. Use a grounding exercise that brings you back to the present moment and remind yourself that you are not in that scary experience anymore. Acknowledge how scary that was and let your body know you see and hear it and understand its fear. Tell your body thank you for trying to keep you safe as best as it could. Doing the best you can to differentiate between then and now and noticing what’s different can help bring you back to the present moment. Tools like Babette Rothschild’s Flashback Protocol or Steve Haines O.M.G technique, can give you resources to quickly stop a flashback and bring you back into the present moment. You can find either of these online with a quick google search.
How do I handle the "guilt" of saying no to my partner?
We live in a society that teaches us that our partners, especially if they are cisgendered men, are entitled to sex. In reality, no one is entitled to have access to our bodies. There are many ways to connect intimately. See if there are other ways you’d feel safe to connect, that are different or try something new or creative. At the end of the day, someone pressuring you to have an experience you don’t want is not showing you the respect and compassion you deserve. If you’re still feeling guilty, please know, in saying no, you’re not doing anything wrong. An AEDP therapist can support you in moving through the guilt to access the emotions that might be underneath and need attention and processing.
How can therapy help me if I feel stuck in my healing?
For sure, but what is most important is that you choose a therapist that you feel safe enough with and can connect to. Therapy is already vulnerable, and talking about sex, even in therapy, can feel like a lot. Finding someone who you think you could trust, and feeling supported on your journey can make a big difference. One of the most challenging parts of this can be feeling like you need to navigate it alone.
At the Commons Wellness Collective, we have clinicians who specialize in sex therapy, and also have folks who support survivors of sexualized violence. We would be honoured to be part of your healing journey and would love to connect with you! You can request a consult call on our website and read more about all of our clinicians through their bios.
Resources:
Nagoski, E. (2015) Come as you are. Simon and Schuster