Can You Keep the Parts of Religion You Loved After Religious Trauma?
For many of us who were raised in a religious context, religion is more than a belief system, it also provides a sense of meaning and purpose, a community, grounding practices and rituals surrounding significant milestones or events in life, and even a sense of identity. Leaving a religious belief system can cause a significant sense of loss as we are also often leaving a community where we have felt a sense of belonging, and a framework that we used to help us make sense of the world. Folks often report feeling lost, or ungrounded, in the initial stages of this process.
When we have been harmed by a religious institution it can leave us feeling like we want to shed everything associated with those experiences. Part of healing from religious trauma can include sifting through our experience and finding ways to hold onto the parts of our practice that still feel meaningful, or seeking out replacements that are inline with our values. It is completely understandable to have varied and mixed feelings about this process, especially when often our friends and family members will still be connected to the religious practice and community we were part of. Normalizing the complexity and making space to sort out our feelings, and identify what feels aligned to hold on to is an important part of processing religious trauma.
The Complexity of Leaving Religion
The feelings that come up when leaving religion are complicated and can leave us feeling confused. It can be hard to understand why we feel grief and loss walking away from something that was also harmful. We may feel nostalgia for the familiar traditions or rituals we experienced growing up, especially those that surround holidays or major life milestones. We may also be processing anger, both towards family members or folks in our former communities who contributed to our harm, and in some cases even towards ourselves for not leaving that space sooner. There can also be significant grief and even shame around the ways we participated in a religious community that we later realize contributed to harm for someone else. One of the ways religious communities maintain compliance is by facilitating a system of control, where members regulate each other's behaviour. Because of this, acting outside of what we have been taught is appropriate can bring on feelings of guilt or a sense that we are waiting to be caught, even when we logically know we are not acting outside of our value system. We can also feel relief at having space to breath and experience the world, and ourselves, in a less restricted way.
The loss of religion can be particularly impactful when navigating grief. Our society in general, does not navigate death well, and without a religious infrastructure to support the mourning process, folks can be left feeling lost, without knowing how to create meaningful rituals or ways to grieve their loved ones. Working with someone who understands the complexity of religious trauma can be particularly useful here, to support you in discovering rituals and meaning that resonate with you in a way that reflects your current belief system, without any harmful religious undertones. In some cases, this can even include finding ways to connect with a spiritual practice outside of a religious institution.
Separating What Was Meaningful From What Was Harmful
Part of what can be so traumatic about participating in a religious institution is that there is dissonance between what folks say and how they are expected to behave. For example, people might communicate a belief like ‘God loves you’, or state that ‘God is love’, but then ostracize or discriminate against folks based on things like their sexual orientation or gender identity. This can cause cognitive dissonance. I still find the idea of love as a guiding principle for how the universe is organized and functions a very comforting concept, but I no longer conform to the limitations humans tried to impose on how that love was received or who had access to it. This is one way I have been able to filter out something meaningful from what was harmful.
Religious beliefs can be weaponized against folks as a method of control, and when examined, often serve to reinforce already existing structures of power and privilege that benefit certain groups or segments of society. Understanding this is an important part of untangling your experience as you can see how principles that sound good on the surface are manipulated, and folks fear loss of community as a consequence for not ‘following the rules’. Often, belonging in religious communities is granted by observable traits or outward behaviour, when in truth, a spiritual practice is a very personal and private experience. In fact, one of the main findings in research around psychedelic use is that folks report having what they describe as a personal spiritual experience, feeling profound love for humanity, and a sense of understanding around how we are all connected. There is a big difference between a personal sense of guiding principles and a religious system that an institution is trying to impose on a group of people. Going through the process of untangling what was harmful and why, and what still feels resonant with you that you want to hold on to is an important part of deconstructing and then reconstructing your sense of spirituality, if this feels important to do.
Moving Beyond an "All or Nothing" Approach
Part of recognizing healing and growth from religious trauma includes being able to hold a more nuanced approach, where there is space for disagreement and difference of opinion. We are unique and diverse humans, so it makes sense that we would connect to spirituality and find different practices resonant in unique and diverse ways. Often, in a religious institution, difference of opinion is interpreted as a binary, right vs wrong. In reality, life is more grey, and often there are many paths to the same destination. For me, one way I have seen healing in myself is the recognition that others have a right to their own view and opinions and as long as those are not harmful to me or others, or attempting to impose beliefs on me, or control my behaviour, I am fine to disagree. I am also ok to be wrong, and have my beliefs evolve and change over time as I learn and grow. It has felt really freeing to be able to move beyond an all or nothing approach, and even at times say, I don’t know, or I’m not sure how I feel about this yet or whether or not I agree, without feeling like I’m doing something wrong. For some folks, what will feel safest is to completely reject anything to do with their former religious views, for others it feels better to sift and sort what to hold onto. What matters most is that in our healing process we are careful not to impose our way onto others as the ‘right way’ and risk replicating the harms we experienced within religious institutions. Instead, we want to leave space for folks to feel free to find an individual relationship with the values, traditions, and forms of spirituality that resonate with them and strive to hold curiosity towards them and their experience.
Creating Your Own Relationship With Belief
An important part of deconstructing religion is finding what resonates for us around what we believe. Part of this process includes coming to terms with ways we may have behaved in the past that are no longer in alignment, and the pain that can cause. I grew up in a religious system that valued certainty, and was convinced that folks who didn’t have the same beliefs were wrong. Now, certainty when it comes to beliefs, is something that makes me feel nervous. My relationship with beliefs has evolved, where now I hold them loosely, recognizing that there is much I don’t know, and can’t know. This has made it easier for these beliefs to be flexible and now it feels less discombobulating when I am in a situation where I have to integrate something new, or even learn something that may be in conflict with what I perceived to be correct previously. There is no single ‘right’ way to approach this process, but having a place to discuss and redefine your beliefs and values without judgment can feel incredibly helpful.
FAQs
Can you still love parts of a religion after experiencing religious trauma?
It depends, and sometimes folks rush to try to do this too quickly. If it feels important to find a way to do this, it is absolutely possible! First it is important to acknowledge the ways you’ve been hurt and take some space to process the feelings you have around your experience, ideally with someone who can witness your story and affirm you. That way when you sort through the parts of religion you want to hold onto, it is more likely that the parts you keep will not be practices or beliefs that will continue to cause you harm.
Do I have to give up my religion completely to heal?
Not necessarily, but it is harder to heal while still connected to the same people and space that caused you harm. This is especially true if that environment is unlikely to change, or those folks are unable to acknowledge the harm that was caused. While healing, it can be really important to take some space. Like with any wound, religious trauma takes time, and needs care to heal. This can also help you have the space and time to realize what feels most important to look for in a healthy religious community if you decide to reengage with religion in the future.
Can you be spiritual without being religious?
Absolutely! The way I see it, religion comes with a system, or a religious institution that adheres to a more prescribed set of beliefs or views. Spirituality is a personal practice and can be done within a religious system, but also exists outside of that. I know many folks who have a spiritual practice that connects them with nature, or even focuses on their relationship to themselves. There are lots of ways to approach this, and it can be encouraging to explore the variety of ways folks have found their own spiritual path outside of a religious system.
Why do I miss my religion after leaving?
While this might feel like a jarring realization, especially if your religious system caused you harm, it also makes sense. Leaving a familiar place, or community can understandably cause a sense of loss. There is also a big shift to your routine that occurs when you leave religion, and often your social connections shift significantly. This can be a painful experience, and it is common to feel grief.
Can counselling help with religious trauma and faith transitions?
It can, and it is important to find someone who is familiar with the unique experience of religious trauma. Participating in organized religion from a young age can shape our identity, our relationship to ourselves, others, and to our body, and we can internalize harmful beliefs and ways of thinking that we continue to perpetuate towards ourselves. Working with a therapist who is familiar with religious trauma can help you explore things like the ways you learned about what sin was or meant as a young child, or how you came to internalize the concept of ‘god’, which for some folks can garner a lot of fear. Working with someone who understands the basics of how high-control religious systems work can be really helpful.
Contact Us
If you’re looking for a non-judgmental space to explore your feelings around religion and spirituality, we’d love to help. Finding a way to define your personal belief system can be an important part of feeling grounded, and being able to connect to a sense of values from which to gauge how you’re showing up in the world, in a way that can help you feel like you’re in alignment with yourself. If you’re curious to learn more, we’d love to chat with you!
